Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Post-Natal Sex

Don't worry this isn't going to be a post about that fruit bat Gina Ford telling womenfolk if they want to keep their man they need to spread their legs before their stitches have healed...  

When a couple have had a baby they will, at some point, want to resume their marital bedroom antics and get jiggy-jiggy with it.  It's inevitable that they will want to re-acquaint themselves physically as well as emotionally and have some time alone to concentrate on each other instead of their off-spring. 

However, back in the real world this really doesn't work.  Not until the child is at least 3 can a couple realistically hope to return to normal sexual relations without having an ear pricked for the pitter patter of tiny feet or the piercing screams of a babe demanding milk, cuddles, medicine, nappy changes, etc. 

There are two plausible reasons for this.  Firstly, it's nature's way of resting your body a decent length of time before you go and get yourself pregnant again.  Secondly, and along the same vain, the screaming child is ensuring that you don't reproduce another screaming brat who is going to take the attention away from them.  Machiavellian right from the start, these little people!  

Picture the scene, well actually don’t, well if you do can I be Scarlett Johannson and t’husband Jake Gyllenhaal? Right, as you were…

Lights are low, music is on, wine is a-flowing and we’re just about to make some moves

“Waaaaaahhhhh, waahhhhhh”

“Oh shit, she’s awake”

“Quick get her fed and back to sleep”

**Half an hour later with Amber dumped placed in her Moses basket.**

“Right, shush, quiet now, come on let's do this.”

“Are we on?”

“Yeah, but hurry up, I'm not sure how long she’ll stay asleep in there”

“Right OK”

“You’ve no time for that nonsense!”

“Nor that!”

“Oh no, she’s shuffling about”

“Well bloody get on with it then!”

“What? Straight in?”

"Yeah, and hurry up about it”

**More shuffling, legs start waving in the air (hers not mine)**

“Oh for God’s sake just close your eyes and pretend I’m Angelina Jolie or someone…”

“Cheryl Cole?”

“If that’ll do the trick!”

Romantic eh? Maybe Gina Ford should write about it in her next book!