Thursday, December 29, 2011

Never mind the i-Pad, all I wanted from Santa was my i-Sight

Christmas 2011 will always be remembered for one thing - the Christmas I almost went blind.   The build up to my (hopefully) temporary impaired vision was slow; a cold which led to a watery eye, nothing unusual there my eyes always get effected by colds.  This time around though I had been on a mammoth cleaning session in preparation for the arrival of my Mum and t'in-laws.  With cleaning products such as bleach, oven cleaner and Cif (Jif for those of a certain age) on my hands, the constant rubbing of my eyes turn a mild irritation into two extremely blood shot and swollen eyes and the start of a week long conjunctivitus episode.  A lesson to be learned if ever there was one - no good ever comes of cleaning!

By the time my Mum had arrived I could barely open my eyes, the following day we welcomed t'in-laws and I looked like a cross between a lizard and a frog.  My eyes were continually streaming and all the skin around them dry and flaky.

Sadly, life doesn't tend to let you sit around licking your wounds nor does it allow you hours on end to apply cold compresses and rest, there was a school concert to attend.  I may have mentioned a few of the things I've done that probably make the locals thing I am a bocadillo short of a picnic and my wearing of sunglasses on a dismal December day—indoors—has undoubtedly strengthen this notion, or maybe they think I am a huge fan of that twat Bono!  In fact I got so paranoid about my wearing a pair of shades inside a darkened Casal waiting for the annual earplitting truama showcase of local dramatic and choral talent, that I kept periodically taking them off ensuring that a few of the locals got to see my offending eyes.  The rationale behind this being that I would encourage some conversations like this:

Did you see that crazy English woman wearing sunglasses at the concert, pretending she's some kind of rockstar

I did, but did you see her eyes? Terrible allergies. She's practically blind.

What like Stevie Wonder?

Ah, vale!

Those who were treated to this spectacle of gammy eyes gasped and asked me if I was suffering from allergies, usually whilst backing away and reaching for some antibacterial spray.  I decided to stop doing this when I noticed that a gaggle of 8 year old girls were staring at me, looking extremely terrified.

Never knowingly had conjunctivitis, just twat syndrome

Luckily (or not depending on your point of view), my eyes had improved enough by Christmas Day to cook the Christmas meal although my vision still hasn't returned to normal now, some 10 days later. My distance vision has everyone with 4 eyes and a moustache and anything further than about 4 foot away from me is slightly blurred.  It's like walking around on a permanent acid trip. Thankfully my near-sight is well enough for me to play with my new i-Pad.

Disclaimer:  any typos, grammatical and spelling mistakes are due to my condition, alright!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Lost in Translation

or these Catalans have some funny ways at Christmas.

We regularly get letters sent home which I have to rely on Google Translate to decipher, mostly I get the jist even if the translation it offers up is a tad peculiar however, this latest offering has got me wondering....

The letter was  basically advising parents of the timings of the Christmas Carol service that the children are to perform in on the last day of school.  Included was this paragraph:

Enguany, com a novetat, i per a no perdre una tradició molt arrelada a les nostres terres, un caga tió de mesures mai vistes, visitarà el nostre poble.

Which Google translated to this:

This year, as a novelty, and not to lose a tradition deeply rooted in our land, a guy shits never seen action, visit our village.  

Eh?  What sort of weird traditions do these people celebrate?  Some dude, probably a virgin, shows up and takes a dump.  And this is their idea of novelty?  Good Lord, how will I explain this to my Mum and t'inlaws who will also be at the concert?

Reading further on in the letter, we are to deliver to the town hall, a small gift with our child's name on it which is to be handed out at the concert, I am assuming by the aforementioned bloke. 

Santa and the Three Kings have been seriously upstaged!

I say old chap, is that man having a shit?  What would Jesus think?

*Amendment - I have now got to the bottom (pun intended) of this.  The 'un caga tió' mentioned is actually a log that shits presents.  I kid you not...  

PS not sure why the log is Mexican.