11.30 pm - Eyes tired and heavy lidded. The words on the page of my book are starting to blur, perhaps tonight I will get a decent night's sleep...
1.27 am - Ah hello there bladder, what took you so long? Yep, hang on a minute, you know how this works. OK - pelvis brave yourself, legs swing round now, slowly does it. Now then, feet - you ready? Hips? Let's go - shuffle left, shuffle right, shuffle left, shuffle right. Marvellous.
Bladder, next time you wake me up could you manage to piss more than an eggcup full?
2.13am - Man Alive! That was a weird dream. Must remember to look up the likelihood of having a prolapsed umbilical cord, and work out the odds of the ambulance not being able to park near my apartment but outside the school gates with the entire village seeing me being carried out on a stretcher with my arse in the air... Gotta be quite low, right?
3.00 am Seriously Wendy, it isn't going to happen, go back to sleep!
3.26 am Need to turn over, this will be fun - not! OK, slowly does it, inch by inch. What is that great lummox doing on my side of the bed? Owww, ouch, fuck, shit, ouch...(some 25 very painful manoeuvres later...). Bladder, you have got to be kidding me, after you just witnessed that you want to piss again?
3.32 am Thank god for shitty Spanish architects who love to make bedrooms ridiculously small, how I long to be able to store my pee and be able to piss like a cart horse again. It's the simple things in life...
3.37 am Oh great, t'husband is breathing in my ear.
3.39 am At least I get some cold comfort in the fact that I can now out-fart t'husband in bed.
3.40 am Bowels, seriously? Could you not have showed your hand when bladder did? What time is this to want to evacuate? No-body needs a dump at this time of the morning! Come on then... for the love of God, yeah I know pelvis - it hurts. Hips - work with me now, c'mon.
4.00 am Stomach, is that you? What do you mean you're hungry? Do you realise what time it is? We haven't got any hob nobs. No, not even the non-chocolatey ones, we scoured the biscuit aisle in Spar yesterday, remember? I know you're craving something oaty, can we not just have a bowl of muesli in the morning? Well we'll make flap jacks instead then, now pipe down.
4.26 am Little girl, I'm sorry that you've clearly been blessed with the arse from my side of the family but would you care to bring it in slightly. I'm beginning to feel like Sigourney Weaver in Alien, fearing that you will burst out of my abdomen buttocks first and catapult yourself to the ceiling.
5.12 am How is it possible to have heartburn and be hungry? Bugger, only 8 indigestion tablets left, I will have to get someone to send me out an emergency supply.
5.32 am So knackered. Can't. Stay. Awake. Any. Lon...
6.30 am "Morning Mummy!"