Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Married Wives Affairs Clubs?

Now then internet, listen up and listen good!  I am a happily married woman and do not plan on having an affair in the near future.  Should I ever consider having an affair I doubt very much that I would have the forethought to sign up to one of the many hundreds of internet affair clubs that have suddenly sprung up over the t'internet, and of which I'm invited to at least 20 or so daily, I'm really not that organised.

You see, I quite like t'husband, he still has his own hair and teeth, makes a mean curry and his feet don't smell, I think I've done alright in the marriage department, I genuinely have no complaints.  On the rare occasions that he goes out of town on important fishing business trips I relish having the bed and TV remote to myself and a fart-free evening. I don't suddenly rush to the internet (*cough*) and look to hook up with some random dude who fancies a quick bunk up with a horny middle-aged housewife in cheap lingerie.  I've got at least 4 episodes of America's Next Top Model on the Sky planner that need watching.

I appreciate that my email address of 'veryboredhousewife' makes me an easy target, but my boredom comes from living in the back of beyond and having no decent shopping scene.  It doesn't stretch to the bedroom department, if it did I might have the email address 'verysexuallyfrustratedhousewifewhosgaggingforit', you get my drift?

So, no I don't want to join your club.  No, I don't want to get my revenge back on t'husband.  No, I don't want to meet other bored married housewives, nor for that matter—whilst we're on the subject—do I fancy swinging, dogging (have you tried Stan Collymore?), or any other form of sexual pastime with complete strangers from Milton Keynes*. I don't even want to learn three questions that turn women on, although I was sorely tempted in the name of research to click on that.  I know what questions would turn me on—'Would you like to go and buy some new shoes?', 'Fancy a trip to New York?' and 'Do you want me to run you a bath while I tidy up?'.  I'm willing to bet a crisp €5 note that the questions will differ somewhat...

I'd rather watch Masterchef...
And so finally to the ladies who do join these clubs... have you never heard of divorce?

*I'm sure that members of these clubs come from other areas as well as Milton Keynes.