Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Mid-Life Crisis

I think I am having a mid-life crisis.  Just those word 'mid-life' as in middle-aged puts me in a head spin and makes me feel physically sick.  Where the fuck did my youth go? Or my 30's for that matter—lost in a haze of cheapish Spanish wine and the endless monotony of life?  I wonder constantly where I would be in my former career had I not left to come to Spain.  I am terrified that in 10½ months time I will have turned 40 and done nothing of note with my life, to have not pushed myself.

I need a taskmaster, I am one of those people that strives under stress.  I am a procrastinator, I need someone to crack the whip (metaphorically speaking), I need deadlines, goals, something to strive for.  I need to work, proper work, work that has timescales and end results.  To that end I have signed up to a couple of freelance sites, the jobs seem to range from the extremely dodgy to the bizarrely weird, the pay ranges from shit to the 'are you taking the piss?' but every now and again something interesting pops up that I know I can give my full attention to.  I doubt the money I earn will make a vast difference to our lives in terms of finances, but I think that getting back into a 'work' frame of mind will help put my yearning to go back to England on the back burner.  And ultimately to give me the courage to be my own taskmaster.

What I really want to do is write.  I have a story in my head, it's been there for 10 years. There are certain scenes that I have played over and perfected in my mind so many times that I know them word for word, yet I have put nothing down on paper (or indeed hard drive).  A combination of procrastination and fear of rejection have held me back—but no more I tell you!  The thought that I would go to all that effort and time to write something that people didn't like has put me off for too long.  It's also the main reason that I am so silent about my blog with people in real life.  Embarrassed that they will think it's rubbish, 'she can't write', 'gosh how boring is that' etc.

I have decided to use my mid-life crisis to good effect.  A catalysis for self-improvement. This is my last year of being in my 30's, I want it to be the year I look back on and say that I achieved something.  A year that doesn't just blend in with all the rest, notable only for the low notes that were beyond my control.  A year of highs.  A year of doing, not thinking. A year that I will remember for all the good things I've done.  A year that I can be proud of my blogging and writing and say, nay shout; 'I did that!'

Failing that I'll just trade t'husband in for a younger model and buy a sports car.