Sadly I can only have 5, which has made it incredibly hard to narrow down to the five I most want to punch, but I've dithered and thought, rethought and adjusted and conferred with Twitterverse and can now bring to you Very Bored in Catalunya's list of 5 celebrities she'd like to inflict physical pain upon.
1. Kerry Katona**
Seriously there must be lots of rocks large enough for this sap on society to crawl under so we never have to hear about her mother/cocaine addition/yo-yo diet/shite boyfriends/numerous pregnancies/bankruptcies ever again. Why are people interested? Clearly enough are for ITV to keep peddling out money for bored film crews to follow her sad, twatty life
|Mum's gone to Chavland|
2. Pixie/Peaches Geldof
The day I can tell the difference between these two arse-wipes will be the same day I gauge my eyes out with a rusty spoon. Both absolute media whores who do nothing but spend their Daddy's money and get pissed a lot. Despite being brought up in probably the most bo-ho household known to man these pair of clowns still feel the need to go and shock. And as for them being models, if they didn't have famous parents then no designer would look twice at their ugly mugs! *retracts claws*
|Do you know who our Dad is?|
3. Paris Hilton
With your pinched nose stuck so fucking far up your own arse and your stupid little armpit dog. What purpose do you serve? Your mother and father must be so very proud of you rolling out of nightclubs drunk, selling footage of yourself giving oral sex and getting banged up. You're like a uptown dung beetle rolling along on the shit of life, pampered and shallow and stupidly, stupidly ignorant.
|A face just asking for a slap|
4. Mr & Mrs Will Smith
Now these pair haven't always needed a good right hand, only recently have they turned themselves from good celebrities to bad. And it's not about them but about their offspring. I could say something along the lines of how badly I feel for the children being thrust into stardom at such tender ages, and why can't they just let them be children until they turn 18 blah de blah, but whilst I do feel this the actually reason I want to slap them is not for enforcing showbiz on their kids, but for enforcing their showbiz kids on us. I hate, hate, hate child stars. They make me want to vomit. I do not want to hear squeaky pre-pubescent voices grating their ways through crappy-far-too-old-for-them songs. I don't want to see super-cute hair-cutted actors with perfect teeth at aged 9 win academy awards. No. Please God, stop it, stop them now before the Beckhams get any ideas. Look what happened to the Jacksons.
|They were fine before they bred...|
5. Jimmy Carr
I'm not entirely sure this man is human. He is certainly so unable to move any part of his upper body he must definitely have a pole shoved up his ass, in fact I think he may be a left over puppet from Thunderbirds. The stiffest man on TV. He is also staggeringly unfunny and has what must be the crappiest hairstyle since Max Headroom hit the screens. Apparently he was a virgin until 27—I wasn't surprised, having sex with him must be like being humped by an ironing board telling shite gags.
|I can't even laugh 'em into bed...|
Also rans include Micky Rourke, Ricky Gervais, Jeremy Kyle and Frankie Boyle.
* My number 1 choice would have been Katie Price but she features heavily on most lists.
**For non UK or Irish folk Kerry Katona was married to Brian McFadden from Westlife (for US readers - crap Irish boyband who once recorded with Maria Carey), who is now with Delta Gudrun I believe (for Aussie readers). If you've not heard of Brian McFadden or Westlife consider yourself very fortunate and go about your business.