Today's fabulously funny (if not a tad scary, don't worry she doesn't have my telephone number) offering is from the utterly brilliant Naomi from Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip
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Pick-up Lines for Playdates
I’m a friend whore. I’ll admit it. I love my friends. And I want more of them—always.
Upon becoming a mom for the first time, I realized that I had only a few close friends who were also mommies. I mean, seriously, I was going through a radical change in my life and I needed to share it with people who understood what the heck I was talking about. I wanted to live and bleed motherhood. Together. Forever.
I don’t want to sound Fatal Attraction or anything, but I was probably that mom at the play area who was checking you out and trying to come up with the right pick-up line to start talking to you. You see, I noticed that we had the same diaper bag and I just knew that we would be buying each other BFF bracelets within the week, if only I could find a way to meet you that didn’t make you think I was a complete and total stalker.
“Um hi ….” (Awkward silence.) “I, um, noticed that we have the, um, very same diaper bag and I thought you might want to come to my best friends forever party?”
Nope. Not quite right.
“Hi there! You’re really pretty. I noticed you the minute I walked into the play area. Do you want to be friends with me? And come home with me? And have playdates and girl time and show each other our stretch marks and ravished belly buttons and talk about the contents of our babies diapers over decaf lattes?”
Mmmmm … might sound a little too excited. And possibly creepy and stalkerish.
“Hey, I noticed that you are still wearing maternity pants even though your baby is already at least six months old. Me too!! Wanna hang out?”
Definitely not. Could be construed as offensive.
“I’m having a very tasteful placenta burial ceremony later today with just a few close friends and family. Would you be interested in joining us?”
No. That’s not right. What if she thinks placentas are icky and gross?
What was I to do? I couldn’t come up with anything that didn't make me sound like a complete psycho or a total loser. I finally gave up on trying to approach you directly and decided to become friends with your kid first.
This worked famously until you caught me offering him a lollipop. That’s when you called Mall Security and I got hauled away. I wasn’t trying to do anything wrong, I promise! It was organic. I bought it at Whole Foods. No preservatives or red dye #5 or anything! No kidding!
Hey! Don’t walk away. Please!!!
Do you still want to be friends with me? I promise not to act like Stranger Danger with your kid anymore until you say so. I’m really very nice! And not even a real stalker or anything.
Pleeeeeeeease, don’t gooooooo. Come on. Let me at least give you this matching BFF rhinestone bracelet I got for you.
See? Don’t you just love it? Look. I have one on just like it already.
