Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Guest Post - Note From Lapland

Today's post comes from my old blogging and fellow exiled mucker Heather from Note From Lapland.

Dogs Or Cats - The Great Debate

My friend is cat person. I don't mean she's actually half cat half human or that she wears a silly mask and spends her evenings stealing diamonds, I mean she's on team feline. Cats rule and dogs drool, and all that. Apparently we are all either a dog or cat person in life, team 'stinky ass breath' or team 'ass looks like a tea towel holder'.

Which team am I on? Well I've got both cats and dogs and they both annoy the fucking shit out of me.

Cats Rule.

Yes. Yes, they do. Or at least they think they do. They are so full of their own self importance it's like living with Naomi bloody Campbell. If my cat could throw mobile phones I'd be getting them lobbed at me on a daily basis.

They are also constantly shoving their puckered ass-holes in your face, trying to trip you up by winding themselves around your legs when you are carrying something hot and sitting just in your line of sight, giving you that 'fuck you' look and then extending a leg and licking their butt.

Dogs Drool

But dogs are no better, they do indeed, drool. Constantly. On everything. You only have to say the word sausage and suddenly there is a slimy puddle appearing on your floor, being wiped over the arm of your sofa, trouser leg or children.

They also stink and think that licking their asses with big, wet, slobbery licking sounds whilst sitting on your sofa is perfectly acceptable behaviour. And don't even get me started on their constant need for walkies where you get the pleasure of being dragged around some dog turd riddled park whilst the thing on the end of the lead tries to mate with everything else on four legs and then the joy of picking its shit up in a plastic bag (and no the fact that there is a 0.2mm thick layer of plastic between the shit and your hand does not make it any less gross) and carry it around trying to find somewhere suitable to deposit it.

But at least they do it outside. Our cat comes in to shit. Yes, that's right, it sits outside the front door making that high pitched miaowing noise designed specifically to set your teeth on edge, until you let it in where it shits in the litter tray, tries to trip you up a couple of times, shoves its ass in your face and then goes back to sitting by the door making that retched noise until you let it out again.

On balance, I think if forced to make a choice between team feline and team canine, I'm going with team 'piss me off once more and I've got a bucket of rat poison and a pack of sausages with your name written all over them, flea bag'.

What about you, are you a cat or a dog person?

Heather is an expat Brit living in Lapland with her 2 demonic children and a myriad of four legged creatures. She distracts herself from the sticky puddles, toy detritus and furniture encrusted with dried up yoghurt and suspicious brown stains that she doesn't like to think about, by blogging at Note From Lapland and talking about monkey sex on Twitter.