Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What I Know About SEO...It's all about the Porn!

I've never claimed to be any great expert on all things technical.  In fact I know next to nothing about the workings of the online world I seem to spend so many of my waking hours in. What I do know is that all the SEO (search engine optimisation for those tech thickies like me) jargen you've previously read means very little.  In reality you only need one word somewhere, anywhere on your website and the hits will come flooding in. That word is of course, porn.

Let me write it a little bigger, you know just in case anyone misses it.

PORN 

I've just been checking my stats on google analytics, you know because I am procrastinating about doing the ironing (naked probably*), and have been delving around the keywords search bit.  There is a list for the past 28 days of 139 words that have been typed into google for people to have landed on my lil' ole blog and you don't have to scan too far down the list before porn comes into play.  Number 5 to be precise, still it is at least geographically correct in searching quite simply for 'Catalan porn'.  

The requests do get a bit more bizarre from the extremely sick, which I won't repeat, to some quite specific ones.  I have in the interest of SEO research compiled a list of some of my favourites:

Bored So Where's My Porn    -   speaks for itself this one

Charlie pregnant housewife porn -   not sure why I am surprised there is a market for this but hey, Charlie if you're making a few bucks then good luck to you

Sexual Deviant Torture Pics   - ouch

Big Boys Willies  - sadly for you, not here

BMB Porn  - not a faction of the British Mummy Bloggers that I've come across as yet

Fuck Big Momma  - same to you!

Girls with Sticky Fingers  - there is something called soap you know...

Grooming for Porn Stars - not around these parts!

Mummys in Red Undies Porno Pics  - so specific in request I almost felt sorry they were disappointed

Whorehouse Clubs in Catalonia  - just drive up any main national road mate...

Really Soft Porn and Very, Very, Soft Porn - aww how sweet, wonder if a picture of me in some fetching tights might cover that?

Of course in my list of keyword searches there were many normal, sensible requests which hopefully the person typing them will have found my blog to have been of use to them.  Then the just bizarre randoms that will no doubt have had the inquisitor fleeing from my blog at breakneck speed:

Heavy Septum Ring - hmmm 

Viva Pubic Hairstyles - viva indeed, does a short, back & sides qualify?

Bored British Cougars - can't make up my mind if I'm flattered or insulted.

Acne Gel - what the...?

Balcony Granny Neighbour  - is there any other kind of neighbour?

Personal Grooming for your Husband - may consider setting this up as an alternative blog

and my personal favourite:

Shit party, no mates.  - clearly someone who actually knows me.

*Should I ever actually get around to tackling the ironing mountain anytime soon, I can assure you it will be clothed.  But, I am intrigued to know if naked ironing is something that gets searched for on a regular basis, all part of a very scientific study you know! 

Adeu




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