Thongs, G-Strings, Cheese Wire, Dental Floss, whatever you like to call them, I hate them. In fact I would go as far as to say that I truly despise them. I of course, like most women, own many thongs, they reside in one of two drawers; the 'adult' underwear drawer and the normal underwear drawer. The only difference between these two drawers in regards to the erstwhile thong is that the 'adult' ones are part of a set and the others are usually just plain cotton. Both lots are incredibly uncomfortable to wear.
The thong remonstrates very clearly three things. Firstly that my derrière is too big, secondly that my buttocks have dropped tenfold slightly and thirdly that there are far too many pretty, perky young things out there (usually Brazilian) that think that they can brandish their arse cheeks about willy and indeed nilly like thus:
Clearly these ladies do not suffer from the same affliction as I. A group of young women standing around chewing the cud, notice how not a single lady is wrestling a chunk of fabric from the grip of her butt cheeks. Not one of these gesturing smart arses looks like they are being cut in two with a piece of cheese wire. Granted you can't see their faces, but I'm betting none of these ladies are grimacing and if they were walking about they wouldn't be doing a strange bandy-legged walk that they hoped would somehow discretely dislodge the self imposed wedgie.
Further research into the thong (come on you don't think I just rant about these things off the top of my head do you?), had me most aghast. The prude in me running and screaming for the hills. Things, or thongs, have rather moved on it seems. There is now something called the C-string. For those who don't want the tell tale strip of elastic to show above their low rise jeans. Apparently this contraption is strong enough to stay in place and won't just fall off if you're wearing a skirt, or god forbid if you decide that you want a C-kini version for your holidays. I doubt I'll be rushing down the local beach to try it out somehow, although I am intrigued with wonder at how it fares up in a game of beach volleyball. I can only imagine with a shudder of sheer horror the embarrassment this would cause if the thing just dropped off whilst I was waiting outside the school gates, the iaia's would never let me live it down. If I was embarrassed by the cheek pinching incident last time....
If this doesn't put the more brazen of you off the thong, how about this, the one string bikini. It's tag line reads "One string front and back bottom. Well... doesn't cover much! Only $24 " No shit it doesn't cover much! And, sorry how much? $24? For a bit of dental floss? Good lord!
Obviously most women wouldn't think of wearing a thong at the beach, they only bare their bums under the safety of their clothes, but still I'd rather have my lilly white ass shielded from the blast of wintry northern wind that blows round these parts (and no, not that type of wind) with an expanse of fabric, preferably cotton, than have my buttocks hanging loose and getting cold. Men too it seems, are not strangers to this monstrosity of undergarment. If t'husband ever came bounding into the bedroom with his tackle encased in this gladiatorial ensemble then I doubt if I'd be able to stop laughing enough to get down to anything else.
If I haven't demonstrated enough reasons to hate the thong then can I turn your attention to the Thong Wearers Message Board, sadly you have to create an account before you can join in with fellow other tossers and show offs.
