Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Postcards from Catalunya to so and so… (tres)

Dear So and So...


Dear Neighbours


I am not a dog lover, not one tiny little bit, but even I can see that it is very cruel to keep such a large dog out all day on such a small balcony. It’s no wonder the thing won’t stop bloody howling. Please, if you haven’t the time or space, then don’t keep such a large animal, get one of those budgies that you all seem so keen on. You know the ones that you taunt by hanging it’s really, really small cage outside on your balcony as if to say ‘hey, look at where you could fly if you weren’t in this really, really small cage’, actually on second thoughts, perhaps you shouldn’t keep pets at all.


Yours the disgruntled English woman


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Weather,


This is Spain, not England. Therefore I expect the mornings and evenings to be cold but that the afternoon temperature rises to a comfortable 16-20º. I’m not asking too much, am I? If so I will move back to bloody Yorkshire!


Yours sick of feeling cold.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Air Conditioning/Heating Unit


Why despite being on 25º do I still have cold feet, a cold nose and fingers that feel like icicles?


Yours sick of feeling cold


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear T’husband


I know it’s cold, but long johns are not alluring!


Your loving t’wife


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Super Tres TV Channel


Why have you suddenly taken all your children’s programs off air? The ones that were conveniently on between 5 and 6, that dead time between coming home from school and eating dinner. Do you realise how long it took me to get Joseph to be interested in the cartoon with the dog family, Bali?


Whilst on the subject of the dog family, why does the Mum in the family have breasts?


Yours trying my hardest to improve my Catalan via the medium of crap telly.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Epsom Printers (and probably all other printer makers)


Why do you make your printer cartridges so hard to buy? Isn’t it bad enough that you have to practically re-mortgage your home to buy one in the first place, then you take them out of circulation after about a year so we all have to rush out and buy a new printer just to get ink.


Yours needing to print a document.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Joseph,


My beautiful, gorgeous boy. Maybe you don’t need to shout ‘Joseph did a stinkbomb’ at the top of your voice in the middle of the supermarket next you pass wind. Just a thought…


Your ever grateful that hardly anyone can speak English round here Mummy.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear USPS (United States Postal Service)


How difficult is it to understand an English speaker on your voice recognition automated helpline service? Hilarious as it is listening to my husband get more and more annoyed with you, it is cramping our style having to wait in every day just in case you decide to deliver the parcel we ordered a month ago.


Yours wanting to leave the house at some time in the near future.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------





For more 'postcards from....' head on over to Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow who's brainchild this is and also Fraught Mummy at Brits in Bosnia who writes brilliant postcards.



Share/Bookmark

17 comments:

  1. Very funny! Esp the one to t'husband and Joseph!!
    Thanks for that! D x

    ReplyDelete
  2. "longjohns are not alluring"

    So true!!

    you are so funny. Write a book called Postcards from Catalunya. I'd buy it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for a good giggle! x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear VBIC,
    You really are very funny! Thank you for making me laugh.
    Yours,
    the one who has been feeling a right miserable cow before reading your blog

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm afraid they sell the printers as loss leaders to force you to shell out on the cartridges :(

    Very funny though!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fabulous letters, my dear! if only we could really post them, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh boy, this was quite funny reading--even if some of it does come out of unfortunate situations (stinkbomb!).

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great letters. Love the one to our husband - I think my Huzz feels the same way about me when I'm in bed in a thermal vest !!! Not great for frisky Friday nights ! My little Ruby shouts out "Its a doo doo' when she fills her nappy! Ah love em! Your poor neighbours dog - go set it free and see what happens.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The farting one or should I say stink bomb a total classic! Wish mine would say that sort of thing in Spanish, french - heck any other language in than English!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love these. Love the t'Yorkshire-ness being from t'yorkshire myself!

    ReplyDelete
  11. that's made me laugh - I'm right there with you especially joseph and the supermarket. x

    ReplyDelete
  12. loved the one about the weather, and the heating unit...

    ReplyDelete
  13. "My beautiful, gorgeous boy. Maybe you don’t need to shout ‘Joseph did a stinkbomb’ at the top of your voice in the middle of the supermarket next you pass wind." Are you talking to my son? Because if you aren't, you should be. Or maybe it's *I* should be. Whatever. Thanks for the great laughs. This post was hilarious!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Great post...made me giggle...thanks x x x

    ReplyDelete
  15. HAhahahaha!!! Oh my god! I'm so glad i've found you!! You've really made my day! I love your blog and have made myself a follower. Come and visit me sometimes. Have a great week ahead X

    ReplyDelete